Irrational Fears
Emotional
]right now, i should be grateful. i should be happy and excited because tomorrow night, it'll be a night to remember. i had my heart broken so many times, i've been disappointed so many times, i've seen people fall in and out of love so much... it came to a point where i can no longer feel sad for myself.
i'm afraid to love. i am in between loving and liking someone, someone who i think feels the same, but since life doesn't work that way, someone claimed him first before we officially met. and yeah, i don't wanna be that girl. i don't want to be that girl, no matter what he says.
i'm afraid of change, yet i don't want what i'm feeling right now.
i'm afraid of failure. living the life i've lived, people seeing your medals, trophies and achievements, giving them a reason to expect so much of you... i don't want to disappoint anyone. i might loose them.
i'm afraid of myself. i know what i can do, i know what i've done before, and i know what i could do. i've hurt people, intentional or not, i've broken a friendship because hey, boy meets me, i met best friend, and yeah you fill in the blanks. in the end, they both ended up hating me, though i didn't do anything... it just looks like it.
i'm afraid of the unknown. i've taken leaps of faith, and though i am alive, i ended up broken. still, i'm thankful that i'm okay. i've changed, but i'm okay...
i'm afraid of never meeting the ones i have come to love. it's not just the writers that inspire me, or the bands that filled my empty shell... it's you guys. i do want to know what you think. hell, i've given my heart to someone! and i meant that 100%. what's worse? i own her heart too, we just connect and click and God, she inspires me. and yeah, sounds slashy right now, but it's not like that.
she knows what i need, and i know hers. we're each other's safety net. maybe you're like that with someone who's out of reach. maybe not.you, you guys make me feel. and that's amazing.
i'm afraid of you thinking this isn't true. but in my defense, i'm parting with my friends, classmates, school mates... that's why Graduation is a bittersweet moment. it's a few weeks away, but i'm feeling it already. i just want to be reassured that i won't cut ties just because i'm taking the next big step in my life...
i need help. most days, i read sad stories, because i like feeling sad. it makes me feel. it doesn't keep me hoping that something great would come along. it makes me know i'm human. how pathetic am i? i need help [again.] funny, i help other people yet i can't fix myself.
i know there are people dealing with greater problems than I am, that's what angers me, i feel so weak for being this upset. i'm sorry. it seems to be one of the words constantly floating in my head.
//sad part. *i'm trying to write something to let this all out. i'm gonna use Brendon as the lead, and yeah, it's slash, so it'll be on LiveJournal. i hope when i'm done writing it, the fears would die down...
on a lighter note, went to see FOB and Hey Monday last friday the thirteenth. Pete went as far as speaking our language. and crap, the things he said, whoo, i can definitely use for my story. *wink,wink*
this broke my heart though, Pete said this [it's incomplete, but that's the gist of it] "So there are still some Americans here... [insert sad chuckle]. I was trying to run away for a bit."
my eyes grew soft, and i frowned a little because my heart clenched. i guess the stress from Hollywood is really getting to him... he wanted to quit the band because of it, but he knew that people [the fans, the rest of Fall Out Boy and their crew] would be fucked over, so he didn't quit.
but i definitely connected more to Patrick there. *sighs dreamily* guess being center stage had something to do with it... lol. but no! man! he was swaying and blazing and rocking, and i've never seen him perform like that... ever. he even went a little near Andy's set and ran back to his mike, flinging his hair as he rocked the shit out of his guitar, sweat and water glistening in the stage lights. i literally thought angel, and my friend
said my thoughts out loud [we went together with her awesome bro and sis]. i think i fell in love at that moment.he sounded so awesome. and yeah... they sang so many great songs. one of em that made me literally scream is American Boy.
Pete said, "I'd like to take you to Paris... to New York, to L.A." in which i screamed, "Take me anywhere."
me in concerts... lol.anyway, it was an awesome night. though, i love the boys, my favorite concert is still Panic's Honda Civic tour last year. if i've never mentioned it to some of you guys, i caught Spencer Smith's drumstick* i shall show pictures soon*. yep. it made my night. my year. my life. i'm being biased now... lol. no, i love FOB's concerts. the music is to die for.
anyway, sorry for the long journal. hope you weren't that sad last Valentine's Day.
see you guys @ the ZGB!!!
punch! and not just the drink. lol ^^still checked-in the Pete-Wentz-Saves-Lives Hospital
Benzendrine... i need to be anti-depressed again.
join now & much love! 
I am Shane Valdez (
) in dA's Celebrities Crew!
It sparkles! 
Devious Comments
You are extremely lucky to have someone who you connect with so well. I do not really have anyone like that. Even my best friend of 3 years does not know me all that well. Maybe it is just the way I am, in that I am unable to form such close bonds with others.
I wish I knew the right words to say to make you feel better about yourself, but usually when I try to do that, I only make things worse. But I can say this - your fears are not irrational. I understand your need to live up to the expectations of others, as it is the only thing keeping my studies going right now. I feel like giving up, but other people would be so disappointed in me.
Oh, & my Valentine's was utterly boring. I sat on my couch & watched movies. I officially have no life.
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~SlashSupporters ~Urieligion ~Sit-Back-Relax ~Mad-as-Rydon
You sound like yourself.
At least your not a heartless bitch who don't feel [:
I'm afraid of love too, it hurts us more than it should.
I would love for somebody to cuddle me when i look shit and tell me i look beautiful.
To watch my favourite movies with me and laugh at me when i randomly start singing/saying the lines.
Love never wanted me, but i took it anyway. D:
Good luck with graduation [:
And i wouldn't mind Peter taking me anywhere in the world
I hope you didn't get let down, if you did, i would have been your ebuddy valentine {:
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I wanna scream "I love you" from the top of my lungs, but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me. The (Shipped) Gold Standard - Fall Out Boy
it is. it's a wonderful, yet scary thing... i would love that too. every moment would be special because you didn't do anything out of the ordinary, it's just you and the one you love enjoying each other's company.
that's one of my fave lyrics from Pete.
love gave me its taste, i took it, took too much, and it gave up on me. D:
thank you!
i know, right? i was like, grinning from ear to ear back then.
it was okay. it felt incomplete, but other than that, i deal. i deal...
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never the same person when i go to sleep...
yes, an opportunity to love... i wish it hadn't ended up so nastily... i hope things would work out better for you than it has for me.
it tool awhile for me to wake up and stop pretending and trying to be perfect when i know it's impossible. it's pretty hard for me to open up at first, but my school has helped me [it's a program for all of the students] open up and learn to trust again. i know... and i know that i'm not the only one feeling this way, but i just wanted to let it all out before it got too much, again.
lol. i went and got my hair fixed for a long time... it was boring. though, i brightened up when my crush and i texted a little bit. my stupid phone had to die at that moment... guh. lol
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never the same person when i go to sleep...
Well maybe your phone died when he was texting you, but I have no idea what happened last week. He was texting me, & randomly he just did not reply to something I said. & I have it on good authority that he likes me. Guys are highly confusing.
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~SlashSupporters ~Urieligion ~Sit-Back-Relax ~Mad-as-Rydon
and yeah, funny thing, he said he was gonna get a hair cut later, too. and idk, i forgot to charge the battery of my phone so it really sucked. and, oh! this isn;t the guy who wants me to be 'the other one'. this is my long-time crush who is the perfect blend of Spencer and Ryan, personality and looks, but unfortunately not a musician. though he loves to sing karaoke. so cute!
really? if it's okay to ask, what did you say? maybe he just took that the wrong way or something. and yes, guys are very confusing...
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never the same person when i go to sleep...
Well, I had to text him the details for the cinema, as the girl who organised it does not have his number. So I was kidding, & said something like "Do not be late", & asked who else was going. He gave me names. I wished him a good weekend, but he said he was working all weekend. So I mentioned how bored I would be all weekend, stuck in my dad's house, & that he was lucky for something to occupy his time. He stopped texting at that point.
But it turned out okay, as everyone else but us 2 cancelled for the cinema, & I had a fun time. I did not have to go see a chickflick, so it was cool.
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~SlashSupporters ~Urieligion ~Sit-Back-Relax ~Mad-as-Rydon
really??? so you two, were... the only ones who watched the movie? wow. things are turning out pretty okay
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never the same person when i go to sleep...
Yeah we were. But it was not a date, like I have to keep telling everyone. But I think tonight might be.
My friend that he does not really like asked him if he wanted to go to the cinema last night, & he said yes. He did not realise that it was supposed to be a "double date" with her, her boyfriend, him & I. When he found out she was going, we changed plans.
She has no idea. I told her he had to work last night.
So yeah, the cinema again, but I think things are starting to look up. Yay!
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~SlashSupporters ~Urieligion ~Sit-Back-Relax ~Mad-as-Rydon
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